The Ultimate Cynic's First Round Mock Draft
Written by Curt Popejoy on 03/08/2012
1-Indianapolis-Andrew Luck, QB Stanford-Oh yes, he’s the best since John Elway. Give me a break. He had a dominant offensive line, great running game, and elite tight ends. Plus he played in the freaking PAC-12. He’ll be out of the league in 5 years.
2-Cleveland(from St. Louis)-Robert Griffin III, QB Baylor –Oh goodie, another chance to draft Vince Young only Griffin never won anything in college.
3-Minnesota-Matt Kalil, OT USC-No.3 pick for a guy who’s only the 2nd best offensive lineman at his parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner? Sure, that’s going to help.
4-St. Louis(from Cleveland)-Morris Claiborne, CB LSU-What’s the deal? Did they see the uniform and think they were drafting the Honey Badger?
5-Tampa Bay-Justin Blackmon, WR Oklahoma State-There's no way Blackmon can develop on this team with Freeman throwing the ball. He had more talent around him at Oklahoma State.
6-Washington-Ryan Tannehill, QB Texas A&M-The pick is so stupid, I hope when the Commissioner calls it out, he’s interrupted with his own laughter so much he can’t even get his name out.
7-Jacksonville-Melvin Ingram, DE South Carolina-Jacksonville, where defensive ends come to die.
8-Miami-Riley Reiff, OT Iowa –This will be the reason that Peyton Manning chooses not to come play in Miami.
9-Carolina-Michael Brockers, DT LSU –The most impressive thing about Brockers is his beard. Which even for me is pretty impressive.
10-Buffalo-Quinton Coples, DE North Carolina-I can understand this pick. The franchise needs to do something to make people forget how bad the Aaron Maybin pick was.
11-Kansas City- Whitney Mercilus, DE Illinois-Nothing like one good season to get you a pick this high. Coach Crennel is starting off the way he finished in Cleveland.
12-Seattle-Luke Kuechly, LB Boston College-The team that ruined Aaron Curry and Lofa Tatupu gets to ruin another linebacker’s career.
13-Arizona-Jonathan Martin, OT Stanford-This pick is an mediocre as the pick of Levi Brown was bad. You’re welcome.
14-Dallas-Dontari Poe, NT Memphis-They are drafting Poe, because Jerry Jones is going to rent out the stadium to a hot win eating contest and they needed a representative.
15-Philadelphia-Devon Still, DT Penn State-It doesn’t matter how good Still is. Eagles fans will hate him, throw things at him, and then go home and kick their dogs.
16-New York Jets-Courtney Upshaw, LB Alabama-Start the pool at your office right now, how long it takes Upshaw to be suspended for steroid use.
17-Cincinnati - from Oakland-Trent Richardson, RB Alabama-I think the NCAA and the Bengals are coordinating announcing Richardson’s contract signing with The Crimson Tide being sanctioned for his accepting improper benefits.
18-San Diego-Janoris Jenkins, CB North Alabama-I hope that the Chargers can provide free child care, because if not, the practice field is going to look like an episode of Rugrats.
19-Chicago-Stephen Hill, WR Georgia Tech-Oh lookie I ran fast. That means I get to be overthrown my Jay Cutler for a few years.
20-Tennessee-Fletcher Cox, DT Mississippi St.-At least the odds are good this pick won’t end as awkwardly as Albert Haynesworth. And he isn’t nearly as talented either.
21-Cincinnati-Dre' Kirkpatrick, CB Alabama-See my comments about Trent Richardson. It’ll be a big party.
22-St. Louis(from Cleveland)-Kendall Wright, WR Baylor-Wright is great at getting deep. Too bad Sam Bradford will be staring at the roof of the Edward Jones dome before he can get open.
23-Detroit-Mike Adams, OT Ohio State-Look at it this way, Adams appears way too lazy to get in as much Trouble as Ndamukong Suh does.
24-Pittsburgh-David DeCastro, OG Stanford-Steelers draft a first round offensive linemen? He’ll probably end up with some sort of chronic ingrown toenail problem and miss significant playing time.
25-Denver-Jerel Worthy, DT Michigan State-All I could think of here was to insult Tim Tebow, so I won’t bother.
26-Houston-Mark Barron, S Alabama-Barron won’t get a huge contract so he can move into Arian Foster’s TeePee since Foster the hypocrite is moving into a solid gold mansion in outer space.
27-New England - from New Orleans- Nick Perry, DE USC-I heard the Patriots picked Perry because in his interview he told them he owned a digital camcorder. Not sure what that meant.
28-Green Bay-Lamar Miller, RB Miami-Ha! Good bye sunny Miami and welcome to 50 inches of snow a year in crappy Green Bay. Oh and they do nothing but throw the ball, so enjoy blitz pick up.
29-Baltimore-Dont'a Hightower, LB Alabama-Not sure why they’d want Hightower, since we all know Ray Lewis is some sort of steroid infused cyborg who will play until his batteries run out.
30-San Francisco-Michael Floyd, WR Notre Dame-Michael Crabtree is probably curled up in a ball throwing a giant fit over this. He wanted to be Alex Smith’s favorite guy to underthrow.
31-New England-Stephon Gilmore, CB South Carolina-Gilmore is love going to be Tom Brady’s 7th option and running constant go routes and never being thrown to.
32-New York Giants-Coby Fleener, TE Stanford-Totally overrated pick. Guy had the best quarterback in the country to throw to him.
Last Edited: 03/08/2012